Dr Gary Chapman – An Exclusive Interview

It is an honor and a thrill to have an exclusive interview with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages. Dr. Chapman created a worldwide phenomenon with his book detailing the differences in how we give and receive love. The Five Love Languages helps couples and families identify their loved ones’ love languages, thus enabling them to express love in a way it can be most easily received and building stronger relationships in the process.

SC: Hi Dr. Chapman, it is such an honor to have you speak with us today. Thank you so much for sharing your time with us!

GC: I’m happy for the opportunity.

SC: The Five Love Languages is nothing short of a national phenomenon. Did you ever expect the idea to take off like it did?

GC: I did believe that the book would sell, because I knew that the message of the love languages would help marriages. However, I had no idea that it would sell 5 million copies in English and be translated and published in 39 languages around the world!

SC: And it has helped millions of marriages around the world! The testimonies are staggering! What prompted you to this realization about how people give and receive love?

GC: Well, I realized in my counseling office that what made one person feel loved did not make another person feel loved. Over and over again people were saying, “I feel like my spouse does not love me.” I went back and read 12 years worth of notes that I had made while counseling people and I asked myself what their real complaint was and what was it that people wanted when they said, “I feel like my spouse does not love me.” Their answers fell into 5 categories. I later called them the five love languages.

SC: Amazing. Of course I have to ask, what is your love language? Do you and Karolyn practice operating under these principals every day

GC: My love language is Words of Affirmation and Karolyn’s language is Acts of Service. That’s why I wash dishes, vacuum floors and take out trash! And every day she tells me how wonderful I am. It really works.

SC: What do you think the most profound effects are of a parent finding the love language of their child and putting that knowledge to use?

GC: The most profound effect is that the child feels loved. That alone greatly influences the child’s behavior. There is much less misbehavior if children feel loved. Most parents love their children. But many children do not feel loved. Parents may be sincere and yet miss their children emotionally.

SC: Is a child’s Love Language inherent to their personality or conditional upon environment and upbringing?

GC: I am often asked that question and I don’t know. It is the old nature/nurture question. Like many personality traits it is not easy to tell what is inherited and what is learned. It is perhaps a bit of both.

SC: Do you think that it could be possible that one reason for some teen rebellion is simply that we are not or have not loved our children in their own Love Language?

GC: Teens are going to naturally exhibit behavior that moves them away from parents. They are developing their independence. So, they want space: emotionally, physically, and socially. However, true rebellion where teens actually turn on parents, often grows out of an empty love tank. When teens don’t feel loved there is no secure place for them to express their questions and process their ideas. Thus they turn to doing things that hurt the parents whom they feel have rejected them.

SC: Your newest release, “The Five Languages of Apology” is fascinating and so true. How is it that this concept seems to span so much of the complexity of relationships?

GC: All of us fail from time to time. We hurt the people we love the most. In order to ‘go on’ in a positive way, we need to deal effectively with the failure. Apology is the first step and forgiveness completes the cycle. However, what Dr. Thomas and I learned is that people have different ideas of what an apology looks like. Therefore, people can think they are apologizing and the other person does not hear it because in their mind that is not an apology. It is worth the time and effort to learn how to apologize effectively.

SC: Are you working on any new projects? What does the future hold for you and your amazing ministry?

GC: This fall I hope to release my latest book: Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married. It is for singles who are in a dating relationship and perhaps considering marriage. I think it will help couples face issues that they may not think about on their own.

SC: If you could impart the single most important concept from your findings, what would it be?

GC: That love is the most powerful force on earth, for good. By nature we are all ego-centric. That often leads to selfishness. When we live only for ourselves we eventually become empty. When we choose to live for others life finds its deepest satisfaction.

SC: Any last thoughts that you would like to leave us with?

GC: Children who grow up in homes where mom and dad love each other and love the children – and if this love is expressed in a way that the family members feel loved – then they will grow to be healthy children. And, of course, healthy children make healthy adults. If we can rediscover love in our family relationships we can change the world.

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